


CAT PEOPLE

by AgnesClementine



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: But it's okay, Diego is a cat for a week and a half oops, Gen, Klaus screws up, Magic, it's not his fault he doesn't know Latin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 16:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19154761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgnesClementine/pseuds/AgnesClementine
Summary: Klaus really didn't mean to turn his brother into a cat.****************************************************************A silly self-indulgent thing I wrote without any reason.





	CAT PEOPLE

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, this has no purpose at all, but I needed to get it out of my head.
> 
> Let me know what you think and enjoy! :)

Klaus had made some impressive fuck-ups in his life. His whole family appears to have an ability to draw in bad luck, almost like it’s their collective superpower, but Klaus (and in extent, as a constant witness, Ben) can point out quite a few instances where his acts took the cake in the deal.

But this? This really tops it all.

“Family meeting!” He screeches, running down the stairs and ignoring Ben’s “Oh my God, Klaus-“ because, yeah, _he knows_. He is so dead. And Ben reminding him of that is not helping ease his panic.

“Family meeting! It’s an emergency!”

He can still smell ozone clinging to his skin, feeling the mass in his arms writhe against his chest. As his hands are occupied, he turns to open the door leading to the living room with his back.

He bursts into the room like there’s something chasing him and immediately hears Allison ask, “Klaus? What’s going on?”

He makes a noise in his throat, hoping to convey that he’s really not sure himself, “I was digging through Dad’s study, you know like one does after their nightmare of a father finally kicks the bucket, and there were these books, right? So I go check them out and they’re in Latin-“

“Klaus, what-“

“And apparently there were some evil spirits’ banishment spells in one of them, and I thought, ‘oh, boy, I could really use that!’, so I tried doing one of them-“

“ _You know Latin?_ ” It’s Five, who has popped in a moment prior, sounding doubtful.

A frustrated huff and a strangled, high pitched noise later, “Obviously not because I turned Diego into a cat!” He shouts, turning to fully face two of his siblings and presents them with a black cat currently trying to wiggle out of his hands.

The cat mewls at the sudden movement and Allison stares at it for a moment before looking up to frown at Klaus.

“That’s not funny, Klaus,” she tells him even as her eyes flicker to cat Diego with slight suspicion.

“I’m not joking! Scout’s honor!” He says, shaking his hands for emphasis and clutching Diego to his chest when it almost allows him to escape.

Allison’s frown deepens, “Klaus-“

Damnit, “No! Look! It’s Diego’s scowl!”

He lifts Diego a bit higher on his chest so Allison can see better, to which his brother responds with a grumble.

Allison observes him and with each moment her frown eases away, eyes growing wide.

“Oh my God,” she says in the end, taking a step closer, “ _it is Diego’s scowl_.”

She looks up at him sharply, asking “What the hell?” as Five hums and says, “Interesting.”

“It wasn’t on purpose!” Klaus defends himself.

“What wasn’t on purpose?”

He swivels on his heels to face Luther and Vanya who had just come in. Luther frowns at the cat in his arms while Vanya looks at it curiously.

“I accidentally turned Diego into a cat!” He cries, holding Diego close to his chest.

“What?” Vanya asks after a beat, blinking at him.

 Luther gapes and both of them slowly inch closer.

“Maybe you should start over,” Ben advises and Diego meows.

“Right,” Klaus nods, breathing out, “I found a book with spells in Dad’s study- yeah, I know, shocking- and I was trying one out and Diego walked in and this happened.”

He was fumbling his way through a chant, probably butchering half of the words, when Diego barged in and there was a flash of light, a shiver running through him and the next thing he knew, there was a ball of fur squirming out of a pile of Diego’s clothes and knives on the floor.

Then Ben informed him that he has royally fucked up and he scooped up the cat and raced out to call in a meeting.

“Okay,” Vanya spoke slowly, “that is-“

“A disaster?” Allison filled in.

Klaus whines as others nod their heads.

“I wonder if he’s aware he’s a human in a cat form or if he doesn’t remember,” Five comments calmly, pushing his way in between Vanya and Luther as they all formed a small half-circle in front of him.

“That’s what you’re curious about?” Allison asks him, unimpressed.

“What if we can’t turn him back?” Vanya asks before Five can respond. The question causes silence to wash over them, thinking about that.

Oh God, what if Diego stays stuck like this because of Klaus?

“Uh-oh,” Luther hums after a while and sneezes.

“Does anyone have any idea how to change him back?” He asks.

“Another spell?” Vanya suggests.

“I think we should stay away from spells for now,” Ben says in response.

“Uh, yeah, that’s probably for the best,” Klaus agrees.

“Ben?” Allison assumes. “What did he say?”

“To stay away from the spells for now,” Klaus explains, “What if I turn him into a mouse or a fly or something?”

Vanya scrunches up her face, “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Maybe it will wear out after a while,” Klaus says hopefully and scratches Diego’s head. He earns a pleased rumble in response and the siblings’ eyes fall to him. The ‘I want to pet him’ doesn’t even need to be voiced.

Allison is the first one to reach out and get a finger under his chin, making him purr. Needless to say, the rest of the day is spent taking turns in petting Diego.

  * ●●●●



It should be worrying how easily everyone accepts this turn of events. Normal people would probably freak out more if one of their siblings got turned into a cat. Though, that kind of shit doesn’t happen to normal people and really, is there anything else that needs to be said after that?

Diego does regular cat stuff. Well, some of it. There’s appearing and disappearing whenever he feels like it- which is not so different from his ‘comes-and-goes-as-he-pleases’ attitude, now that Klaus thinks about it- and he’s grumpy, so it fits his cat image. But he also absolutely refuses to eat anything from the floor, and he’s not on board with the whole ‘cleaning themselves’ thing, so there’s cat hair _everywhere_.

The rest of them agreed to comb through the books in Dad’s study once again- very carefully, this time- just in case that Diego won’t turn back on his own, and magic will be needed. And it seems like that’s the case since there were no signs that the spell might be wearing off.

Klaus looks up from the yarn he’s mindlessly wrapping around one of the knitting needles as Diego slinks into his room, making small noises and padding over to where Ben’s sitting cross-legged on the floor. It’s another thing they’ve noticed; apparently, either the spell made Diego be able to see Ben or cats have that ability naturally. Which is all kinds of awesome and concerning, if Klaus is being asked.

Whichever is it, Diego moves to brush his side against Ben’s leg, rumbling happily even though he passes halfway through him.

Ben sets his book on the floor and carefully brings his hand down to smooth over Diego’s back. Klaus can only imagine how lonely is when nobody except one of your siblings can see you, so he’s sure he’s as happy about this ability Diego currently has just as much as Diego seems to be.

“Hey, Diego,” he calls, glad that it has his brother twitching his ears and looking up at him, “look what I have.”

He dangles a string of yarn over the edge of his bed and shakes it a little. Diego goes still and eyes it curiously, looking like he’s debating pouncing on it or dismissing it.

In the end, he pads over and tries to swipe at it with his front paw, unsuccessfully every time as Klaus keeps pulling it up. He chuckles and Ben shakes his head at him, “If he keeps his memory of this, you’re dead, you know?”

“Aw, c’mon, this is just playing,” Klaus says, “besides, I’ll give him ear scratches later.”

  * ●●●●



Diego always had a soft spot for Mom, so it’s not surprising that she’s the one who gets away with scooping him up and swaddling him like a little kid whenever she’s not doing anything around the house.

Klaus and Vanya watch silently as she sets him on her lap and lets him curl up there before starting to pet him. She looks pleased with herself, a happy smile on her face and Klaus thinks how they should get her a pet of some kind, once they sort out this whole mess.

Diego looks like he’s sleeping, eyes closed, and emitting a quiet purring noise as Mom’s fingers comb over his head, scratching lightly. It reminds Klaus of those rare few times when Diego got sick enough to be condemned to bedrest. It wasn’t unusual to pass by his room and see Mom combing her fingers through his hair while he slept through a fever. Not that anyone ever mentioned that; Diego might have the softest, squishiest inside from them all, but that doesn’t mean he’s comfortable with everyone knowing it.

Not yet, that is, but they’re working on it.

Klaus takes out a phone and exchanges a glance with Vanya before taking a few sneaky photos.

  * ●●●●



It’s been almost a week since Diego turned into a cat and there was still no indication he’s going to turn back any time soon. Klaus tells himself they have time to fix it- and that Diego enjoys all the petting, so he’s not going to be too mad when he goes back to being bipedal. Right?

Right.

In the meantime, they’re still combing through the books from the study. It would help greatly if at least one of them could speak Latin properly.

“Where are all the ghosts that could potentially speak it when I need them,” he grumbles absentmindedly and throws a handful of gummy bears in his mouth while leafing through a thick, leather-bound book.

Come to think of it, though, he hasn’t seen a lot of ghosts lately. Precisely none, in fact- not counting Ben, of course.

Luther sighs heavily, letting the book in his hands fall to the desk with a sound smack.

“This is a waste of time,” he says. “How are we supposed to find what we’re looking for when we can’t understand anything?”

“Or actually know what it is that we’re looking,” Five adds, oh so helpfully, from his perch on the edge of the desk.

Klaus slumps because, well, when they put it like that…

His siblings are such downers sometimes.

As if sensing this is somehow important, Diego slinks into the room, making a small noise like he’s greeting them, and heads to bump his head against Luther’s ankle.

Luther scoops him up carefully and sets him on his knees, scratching his back. In response, Diego flicks his tail in Luther’s face.

“It’s the 21st century,” Vanya voices sharply over the sound of Luther sniffling, “it’s ridiculous that he even owned these.”

At that, Allison gasps and springs to her feet from her cross-legged position on the floor, startling them all. She’s got a spark in her eyes that means she has an idea.

“21st century!” She exclaims like it should mean something.

“Yes,” Five says slowly, “that’s what Vanya just said.”

“No, I mean- it’s the 21st century.” She sweeps her arms over the room, the piles of books that are strewn all across it and says, “We can get these scanned and translated.”

The silence that follows her statement is short because Klaus scrambles to his feet to tell her, “Allison, you're fucking brilliant.”

  * ●●●●



Once they set Allison’s plan into motion, they realized that they still have to go through all those books if they want to find a way to reverse the spell, which kind of a dampened their good mood at the face of their breakthrough.

And they also found out Luther is allergic to cat fur.

He stifles a sneeze into a crook of his elbow and keeps scrolling through his book, one hand held out so that Diego can nuzzle against it.

“You do understand that letting him brush all over you is not very productive at keeping your allergy at bay?” Five asked him a while back but they still found him absently bending down to scratch his head or something in the middle of a conversation. So Klaus supposes they just need to find a solution before Luther’s sneezing brings the house down.

Though, he thinks, that’s not making it any less boring.

  * ●●●●



Once Luther’s eyes started watering, they finally managed to shoo him off to get a shower and a break from all the fur before he went blind or something equally not fun. Klaus doesn’t know if it was the allergy or if he really wanted to pet Diego some more, but he looked close to crying as he left the room.

So now it’s just Allison, Five, Vanya and him here, sorting through those stupid books (well, not stupid because _magic_ but also, they turned his brother into a cat so they’re stupid on principle). Plus Diego and Ben, of course, but they can’t exactly provide much help.

Well, okay, Ben is kinda reading over his shoulder instead of him, but it’s Klaus wasting his time and joints here flicking through these dumb books.

Diego is stretched over his siblings’ laps, head resting on Allison’s knee and his tail thwacking against Five’s thigh lazily. Vanya is playing with his toes, squishing them from time to time- _and getting distracted from her work, damnit, Vanya_.

“Wait, I found something,” Ben tells him suddenly.

“Huh? What? Where?” Klaus asks him.

Ben points at the page and once Klaus reads through the passage, he jumps up and whoops, exclaiming, “I fucking found it- well, Ben, technically- but I fucking found it!”

  * ●●●●



The original spell that Klaus accidentally cast on Diego was meant to protect him from evil spirits acting through a medium that has to be a cat- some weird mumbo-jumbo that Klaus frankly doesn’t care about- and thus had turned Diego into one. Which explains the strange lack of ghosts bugging him since this whole mess started.

And it also means they need an actual cat to keep it that way without having Diego stuck like this for the rest of their lives.

That’s how they end up with Fuzzinator- who is ironically a hairless blue sphinx.

“That is a horrible name,” Allison says.

“It doesn’t even have fur, Klaus,” Five adds on.

“I know,” Klaus agrees, “it’s fantastic, right?”

Luther approaches Fuzzinator slowly, petting the newcomer between the ears with a gloved hand.

“You feel anything?” Vanya prompts him after a few seconds.

“I, uh, don’t think so?” Luther responds.

Klaus claps his hands because that’s great; he gets his cat bodyguard and Luther spends the rest of his life without possibly-sight-damaging allergy. Everyone wins.

“There’s a lot of work with this kind of a cat, Klaus, you know?”

Klaus shrugs, “There’s seven of us, plus Mom, I’m sure we’ll manage.”

“Oh, so we can’t name him, but we can take care of him?”

“Yep.”

  * ●●●●



The next spell goes about as well as the first one did- in the sense of Klaus knowing what the hell he’s doing. A jumble of words, a few flashes and then Klaus is blinking the strange lights out of his eyes, hoping that once he can see properly, he’ll be greeted by a sight of his brother, human-shaped again.

“Klaus, you okay?” He hears Ben say over a sound of groaning and practically leaps over the couch to peer at Diego, naked like the day he was born and grimacing as Fuzzinator licks at his face.

“Diego!” He yells, “You’re back!”

“The fuck are you on? I didn’t leave,” Diego grumbles and snatches Fuzzinator in his arms to prevent him from bathing him some more.

He looks around the room, at himself, then at the cat in his hands.

“Why the fuck am I naked and when the fuck did we get a cat?”

“His name is Fuzzinator,” Klaus informs him, deciding to keep the ‘I accidentally turned you into a cat for a week and a half, sorry’ thing for later.

Diego blinks at him, then looks over his shoulder at the door and shouts, “Who the hell let Klaus name our cat?!”


End file.
